I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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