and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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