your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
