someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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