you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
