I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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