god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
