Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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