if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
