My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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