i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I smell like Dick and happiness
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