cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
