I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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