Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
