I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
