I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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