Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
