The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
