when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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