ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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