i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
