When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
