I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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