Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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