Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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