um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
