someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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