I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
