So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
sex in a hospital.. check
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
