I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
