Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
