I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
