bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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