Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
