I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
