im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
