My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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