dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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