did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
