you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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