as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
