Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
