i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
