wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
