Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
