you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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