i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
