Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
