I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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