This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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